In spite of its title, this new blog ain't gettin any newer. Gonna have to try with the next one. See ya there.

Tyke That

Not all child's art is good. Some of it is bad. By a reasonable age, a child should be able to draw a three-dimensional house. What's with right angle triangles for rooftops? I never see roofs like that. That's wrong. And, hey there, junior, your stick man's neck is not the axis for his arms and legs. You need a torso in there. Take a second look. And if I were him, I wouldn't be smiling. I'd be looking for a brush to fix my hair and maybe a plastic surgeon to fix my eyes, nose and mouth; that is, if I could pry my melted together fingers apart well enough to operate a forklift so I could pay for the operation and in order to spare me limping around like the hunchback of Notre Dame on those uneven legs with clubbed feet and drawing derisive laughter everywhere. Lastly, you can't make up for crappy printing by using all different colours either. I'll be watching out for that one. Tear it up now. I want to see you tear it up. Go on. It's all right. It's no good! We'll start again.
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© 2007, 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Who Cares?

I was just thinking how much it would suck to have no opinion. That would mean I had no personality either. It might smooth things out in most workplaces, but I would just be like an automaton in that role. I'd be getting the job done while I was light years away in my head. You know what I mean? I think most people do, but some I wonder about. It seems that they are less away in their heads than simply non-existent. You picture the world through their eyes as a kind of scribbly cartoon made out of jumpy lines repeating the same joke at them over and over, but they can never get it. If you have no opinion, you can fit into any situation. And there's just so many different situations that you can fit into - maybe a little uncomfortable at first - but you'll fit in eventually, as long as your opinion doesn't get in the way. And there's always someone else's opinion to keep these folks distracted and entertained. So having no opinion of your own may not be all bad.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Discussing Dogs

The best way to teach a dog to catch a frisbee is to first make sure he or she is a fast runner with expanding jaws. Streamlined animals tend to have less wind resistance when they hit that jumping off point and go sailing into the air. Pitbulls perform well as grabbers, but greyhounds are more aerodynamic. Bring the dog to a park with enough room to give it a good run. Take out the frisbee and get the dog's attention with it. Wave it in his face or something. Once you have him going crazy for it, wind up and then fake a throw. That gives the dog time to catch up with the actual throw, which you aim over his head but within grabbing range. The dog never checks to see if you really threw the frisbee until he reaches the optimum distance. Otherwise, if he's too near you when you throw it, he won't be able to catch up with it. Once the dog knows what you're doing, you can train it to run at the count of three. Wind up. Count. One. Two. On 'three', fake the throw. Dog goes running. After a while, you don't even have to fake the throw.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Pet Topic

My pitbull trusted me utterly. When I had a strong branch in my hand, she would snap it up in her powerful jaws and let me pull her off the ground and around and around me. She knew I wouldn't let go and send her backflipping through the air into the lake.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Too Many Hands

Put your hand in the hand of the man who's into Waters Background girls: Roger Waters! Put your hand in the hand of a man you may never meet B.G.: He's got the beat! Put your hand in his hand or he's liable to put it somewhere It shouldn't be Background Girls: (Stay silent and make no-no gestures, perhaps waving their index fingers.) So put your hand in his hand and keep him standing on his feet
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© 2007, 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Shooting for Perfection: Production Hints

I hope it's all right to mention a few observations I have made in the videos I've been viewing, not to be condescending, just hopefully helpful; that is, in terms of helping to entertain me. I'm sure these thoughts have occurred to others, as well. #1 Unnecessary Drama: The world's first satellite is about to be launched, and you can tell by the anxious looks on the faces of everyone in the crowd, as the camera zooms in on them, that this is a life-and-death moment for all humanity. Whenever horses pull a carriage in pre-twentieth-century timeframes, back it up with a nice, loud orchestra to emphasize the common mode of transportation for that period. However, when the passenger needs to stop the carriage to get out and relieve himself, switch over to the next movement. #2 Opening Theme and Credits: First of all, do we need an opening theme? Why? So we can be more repetitive and annoying with every new episode? Very well, then. Let's pick a good one, shall we? A great one. The kind of theme that gets written every two hundred years. Simple, but endlessly amusing, like Batman. We should have it in time for your great grandchildren. In the meantime, Batman rules the rockin theme songs, while MASH rules the sentimental themes, at least in my books. And there are no others even approaching them, aside from maybe Chico and the Man, You're Gonna Make It After All, The Munsters, Sanford and Son, Sesame Street, the second Space:1999 theme was an improvement, Laverne and Shirley, South Park, Fame, The Pink Panther, Peanuts - which I figured out on my guitar earlier, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The 'World at War' series, narrated by Lawrence Olivier, and maybe a couple dozen more, plus whatever you like, of course, but too many that insult them. #3 Misleading Descriptions: The search words, 'failed rocket launch' should not - and I repeat - should not lead to your kid brother's toy rocket in the back yard getting blown over by a gust of wind. When I ask for failed rocket launches, I want spectacular, scientific failure on the grandest scale imaginable. I want blazing globs of rocket fuel raining down from the heavens at night in every direction, like a mad swarm of giant space-fireflies, spewing red hot venom everywhere, as the people look up and run like hell. Something like that. #4 Striking a Balance: I often seem to get more than I bargained for when I choose something. An art film set in ancient times may throw a kinky sex scene at you, much to your disapproval. You may instead have been hoping for a war scene featuring one of those rugged, old battering rams, with the walls tumbling and enemy elephants leaping out from the dust and debris. Keep that possibility in the back of your mind when making an art video. #5 Boring Opinions: Boring opinions include atheism, hypocrisy, philosophy, how to handle a breakup, suicide, subconscious manipulations in documentaries, video criticisms and so forth. #6 Unnecessary Dialogue: Please don't tell me that it doesn't exist in considerable quantity in the formatted stuff. How else could they divide it evenly into the allotted timespan? Wouldn't they have to stretch it out here and there, in order to make it fit? Or to allow new viewers to come in and not miss out too much? Have you noticed those documentaries, however informative, that keep repeating the same damn phrases over and over like a broken record?
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.